Copyright 2021 by Alan M. Puckett
In this post Your Faithful Scribbler provides analysis and commentary on recent news stories that are keeping us up at night, along with a few “Wouldn’t it be great if they…” digressions. There’s been so much going on lately that it’s hard to know where to start.
The coronavirus pandemic continues to sicken and kill people here and around the world, though nearly all U.S. COVID-19 deaths now affect unvaccinated individuals. Given that fact, some experts shrug and suggest that “It looks like this problem is going to solve itself”, but that’s not very nice. Still, the public is urged to exercise caution and to mask up around those who decline the jab. According to an urgent CDC bulletin, “the unvaxxed are mostly idiots” and normal Americans are advised to “avoid those germy cretins if at all possible.” The bulletin goes on to advise that “Ignorance is contagious, so whatever you do don’t watch Faux News or listen to people who wear red ball caps.” Sounds reasonable to us.
Meanwhile, CDC scientists and USDA field technicians are reportedly collaborating on a new contingency vaccine delivery system for use in regions where rates of public ignorance exceed safe levels. A prototype mid-range vaccination tool was displayed at a press conference last week in Bald Knob, Arkansas, and was demonstrated on a local anti-vaxxer who protested loudly, claiming that he had not agreed to participate the presentation. But we all know it was for his own good and the advancement of science. The demonstration was a success and at last report the subject was said to be sleeping peacefully in the back of a conference room, drooling slightly as he snored.
In other news, tech gazillionaire Jerkov Blastov and three fellow dweeb-heads experienced a protracted period of mindlessness as their Phaluz X capsule soared to the outer edge of Earth’s atmosphere before surviving re-entry to air-drop several express parcels to equally mindless suburban homeowners near Dallas and Kansas City. The otherwise pointless and unnecessary, carbon-intensive mission then crash-landed into a geodesic dome in downtown Seattle, injuring a number of drone programmers and destroying more than a dozen houseplants leased from a firm that promises to make cubicle farm office spaces meet minimum ASPCA veal pen standards. The craft’s crew were not injured, however, and Blastov reportedly turned a profit of more than $1 Billion for the afternoon. “Space is the place!” he exulted in a post-crashdown press conference. “I’m tired of listening to Earthlings whine about poverty, injustice and global warming. I’m filthy stinking rich”, he added, “Why should I care? Next time we’re going to keep it up all weekend!”
Following the press conference Blastov was served with process papers from his wife, who is suing for divorce. “He’s no fun anymore,” she stated through her attorney. “All he wants to do is play with his stupid Phaluz.”
Appearing on a special edition of the MS-NBC news show “The Beat” dedicated to exploring the ins and outs of masturbation, 93-year-old sex therapist and pop culture icon Dr. Ruth Westheimer peered over her glasses at host Ari Melber for a long moment before commenting, in response to Melber’s question about potential Freudian implications of the Phaluz space project, “Vell, it certainly seemps like SOMEvun is tryink to compensate for SOMEtink, doesn’t it?”
A future post will feature a special report on the new space suit being developed by Blastov’s program for use on a manned mission to Venus. The self-contained suit features an advanced propulsion system and is intended to help Blastov’s company beat fellow gazillionaire Eel N. Mush’s rival space program and become the first to put human explorers on Earth’s sister planet. The Mush space capsule receives high ratings for creativity but has reportedly been held back by difficulties getting cannabis to burn under zero-oxygen conditions.
Sports Moment of the Week: 80-year-old White House Medical Advisor and leading infectious disease authority Dr. Anthony Fauci publicly spanked Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) live on camera during Fauci’s Congressional testimony on July 20, after the curiously coiffed Senator appeared to impugn the truthfulness of Fauci’s previous statements regarding potential origins of the SARS-CoV-2 virus pandemic. The diminutive and usually mild-mannered Fauci seemed shaken and chagrined following the incident, saying “I’m sorry, I apologize to the nation but a person can only take so much of this crap.” For his part, Paul appeared red-eyed and sniffed back a tear when speaking to reporters after the hearing, saying “So. At least I’m not the worst Senator from Kentucky.”
To be clear, readers are cautioned that despite the pleasure many of us felt at seeing Rand Paul taken to the woodshed, The Pointed Quill Blog does not advocate use of corporal punishment or other forms of physical violence, even under extreme circumstances. We hope readers will discipline their own Senators constructively and in keeping with American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines.
On July 21, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi thwarted Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy’s attempt to sabotage the House Select Committee investigating the January 06, 2021 Capitol insurrection by nominating anti-democracy activists Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) and Jim Banks (R-Indiana) as GOP picks to serve on the committee. Pelosi punctuated her response by directing that the House sound system play Judy Collins’ 1975 rendition of the Sondheim classic “Send in the Clowns” at full volume, banging her gavel sharply three times and stalking from the chamber. Moments later, a reporter overheard Pelosi singing softly as she strode down the corridor toward a press briefing:
But where are the clowns? Quick send in the clowns Don’t bother, they’re here. (“Send in the Clowns” Copyright 1973 by Stephen Sondheim).
It’s a messy, complicated world but The Pointed Quill Blog is committed to helping you make sense of it all through behind-the-scenes insight and analysis without the least bit of political bias one way or the other. Seriously. Our only allegiance is to the truth, and if that’s a problem? Oh well.
Stay safe, I’ll write again soon.
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